


Forgiveness

by LucindaAM



Series: A Day in the Life [17]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M, Fluff cuz I love me some fluff, Light Swearing, Multi, No Smut, Steers heavy into the angst this time though., hardcore angst, life or death, loss of a child, sad all around
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:02:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27444577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LucindaAM/pseuds/LucindaAM
Summary: Bucky does something unspeakable and it's up to you to prove to him that he shouldn't feel responsible.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader, Natasha Romanov & Reader, Steve Rogers/Reader
Series: A Day in the Life [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1946242
Comments: 42
Kudos: 63





	Forgiveness

**Author's Note:**

> Triggers for Loss of a child and partner violence.
> 
> Can't stress enough how angsty this one will be.

You weren’t sure when exactly the mission had gone to hell, but here you were all the same.

“Sweetheart? Sweetheart?! Talk to me!” Steve’s frantic voice called through the comms.

You held a hand to your bleeding side and did your best not to show your pain as you stared down the man across from you.

“You don’t have to do this.” You urged, ignoring the panicked orders being shouted in your ear.

The man didn’t say anything as he took another calculating step towards you. You swallowed hard and tears prickled at the corner of your eyes as you tried to pull on the power that in some cosmic twist of fate you’d been given. You focused with everything you had on your anchor, Steve, and willed yourself towards him. You could almost feel him pulling on that connection too, desperate to bring you to him. It might have worked too; but Steve wasn’t the only one pulling on it.

You licked your lips and took another step back. “I won’t fight you.” You whispered, begging for your life with the desperation that burned in your eyes.

The man didn’t seem to notice or care as he held up the knife, already glistening red with your blood, and took another step closer.

You shook your head and took another step backwards. Your back hit the wall behind you and you swallowed hard. Your brain scrambled as it searched for options, but in your heart of hearts you knew that this was it. There was nothing left to give and nothing else you could do.

You pulled your hand away from your side and wrapped your bloody fingers around Bucky’s arm as he took the final step towards you. “When you wake up, baby, don’t . . . don’t dwell on this. It wasn’t your fault, okay? It wasn’t. Please remember that.” You begged quietly. You knew better than to ask him to forgive himself. You weren’t sure he ever would. But you’d spend your dying breaths trying to fix even this for him.

Bucky didn’t so much as flinch as he swung the knife up and buried it in your gut. You jolted more at the force of the blow than at the pain of it. A gasp flew from your lips anyway and you glanced down instinctively to see the knife buried in your gut. Another gasp flew from your lips as Bucky twisted the knife and yanked. Suddenly, the pain registered.

You cried out as you crashed to your knees. “Doll?!” Steve’s voice sounded funny as it echoed in your ear. Your head ached as it hit the cement floor below and you raised a shaking hand to weakly press at your gut. You watched in detached fascination as your blood poured out around you, dyeing the floor in beautiful crimson color.

“I . . . I’m s . . . sorry.” You choked out; blood dribbling down your lips.

“No!” Steve cried out. “No! You’re going to be okay! I’m almost there! Just hold on for me, doll. Hold on.”

You turned your head up to see Bucky standing over you silently. His gaze was distant, glazed over, clinical as he took in your bleeding form. He cocked his head to the side and his gaze narrowed as his focus turned to the door. His grip on his knife tightened and you shook your head frantically.

“No!” You cried weakly. “No . . . He’s . . .” You coughed violently, shudders wracking your frame and a pained gasp left your lips as the movement jostled your insides.

Bucky froze and his jaw ticked as he listened to you struggle for breath on the ground.

“Doll . . .” Steve’s voice broke in your ear.

“I . . . love . . . you.” You whispered.

“No.” Steve’s voice broke.

“No?” You chuckled. Watching with hazy vision as Bucky turned back to you. Your vision blurred and you couldn’t see the look of confusion that blossomed across his face.

“You’re not leaving me, sweetheart.” Steve choked on a sob in your ear and your eyes closed as tears slipped down your face.

“No . . . no choice. Be . . . be brave.” The pain, sharp as it had been, felt like hardly more than a flutter now and your hand slipped away from your wound.

A loud clatter sounded in the room and your eyes started open. Black spots lined your vision as you watched Bucky crash to his knees beside you. “D . . . doll?” He asked, horrified.

You managed a pained smile as you glanced up at the angel heaven had sent to take you away. “Always . . . always knew you were my angel.” You said softly, reaching out a hand even as your eyes fluttered shut again.

“NO!” Bucky cried, horrified. Your hand dropped to the ground limply and your head lolled. Bucky scrambled towards you and didn’t hesitate to press both hand against the wound on your stomach. “No, no, no, no, no.” He chanted, doing his best to stem the blood flow. His frantic gaze flew to your face. “Come on, baby. Come on. Open those pretty eyes of yours. Come on, baby. Please. Please don’t do this to me. Please no. Not like this.”

You didn’t so much as stir, and Bucky’s heart shattered in his chest.

Distantly, Bucky heard shouts coming from your ear and he reached out a blood-stained hand to fish your comms out of your ear.

“Doll! Doll!” Steve was screaming.

“She’s . . . she’s . . . I hurt her . . .” Bucky cried out. “Stevie . . . I don’t think . . .”

“We’re almost there! Buck! We’re almost there! She’ll make it!” Steve barked. Then, in almost a voice too quiet for even Bucky to hear; “She has too. I can’t lose her.”

Bucky squeezed his eyes shut and prayed that Steve was right.

The entire tower seemed subdued. Even on the office levels, people came and went to the fax machines, or grabbed another cup of coffee, all while keeping their heads bent. For once, there weren’t crowds gathered around the water cooler or in the break room. Everything was just cold and grey.

The team’s floors weren’t much better. Currently, most of the team was huddled in the common room, staring at nothing, lost in their thoughts. More than one of them were relieving the day in vivid graphic detail.

The only two missing were you, and Bucky.

Steve glanced around the room and noticed that Bucky had disappeared. He glanced at Nat who was unusually pale. Dark bags lined her eyes while seemed red and puffy. She shook her head slightly when he raised an eyebrow in question.

Steve sighed and hefted his body off the couch.

“Tell us how she is.” Tony requested quietly. He didn’t even look up from the spot he was staring at on the floor.

Steve squeezed his eyes shut but nodded his head. He had a feeling he wouldn’t be bringing back good news.

Steve rode the elevator down in silence. It felt like JARVIS had managed to mute even the whir of the lift and Steve was relieved when he finally got to med bay.

He stepped off the elevator and into the room. Even the med bay seemed subdued. Doctors and nurses walked with purpose, but they weren’t scurrying like they usually did. Orders weren’t being called out. Agents weren’t demanding answers for injured coworkers.

There was just this . . . fog over everyone.

Steve’s feet carried him mindlessly through the maze of rooms and medical equipment until he found yours. He stood outside, looking in the large window as Dr. Cho gently arranged your arms next to your sides.

Steve watched as Dr. Cho sighed and glanced towards him. He worked up enough energy to give her a small wave, but he didn’t have enough to plaster a fake smile to his face. Dr. Cho gave him a frustrated smile of her own and finished what she was doing before she turned and headed towards Steve.

She shut the door behind her with a click.

“Hi, Steve.” Dr. Cho said tiredly.

“Any news?” Steve asked, folding his arms across his chest and leaning against the wall so he could still see into your room.

Dr. Cho shook her head. “No more than there was when you arrived. The surgery was a success. Now it’s just up to her. She’ll be sedated for a while yet.”

Steve turned his attention back to the doctor. “What about Bucky?” He asked.

Dr. Cho shrugged a shoulder. “I’ve been trying to get in contact with Mr. Barnes. He hasn’t responded.”

“He hasn’t been to see her?” Steve asked, gesturing towards your comatose-like body.

Dr. Cho shook her head. “Not that I’ve noticed, and I’ve been here since you brought her in.”

Steve swallowed hard and nodded his thanks as Dr. Cho excused herself. He glanced into your room and tried to will up the courage to walk in but couldn’t.

He’d failed you.

He’d failed Bucky.

Steve’s shoulders drooped and he placed a hand against the window of your room and squeezed his eyes shut before he turned and took the cowards way out.

“Where is he, JARVIS?” He asked softly, heading for the elevators.

“He’s in your apartment, sir.” Even JARVIS’ voice seemed dull and lifeless.

“Thank you.” Steve murmured. He took one last look down the hallway that led back to you as the doors slid shut.

Steve opened the door of the apartment softly and stepped inside. Bucky was sitting at the kitchen table. His hands were held out in front of him and he stared at the fingers that had nearly taken your life unseeingly as he relived it over and over in vivid detail.

“Bucky?” Steve asked softly, closing the door behind him and stepping towards him.

Bucky didn’t even glance up. “Buck?” Steve tried again.

Bucky shook his head. “I . . . I killed her.” He choked out.

Steve shook his head and rushed the few remaining steps to get to his friend. “You didn’t. She’s out of surgery. Helen says she’s just sleeping.”

Bucky shook his head and for the first time since Steve had burst into the room to see you bleeding out on the floor, Bucky met Steve’s eyes.

“I hurt her.”

Steve closed his eyes and sighed, unable to deny it. “She won’t blame you.” He tried to offer.

Bucky scoffed. “She should.”

Steve fell silent as the weight of the world and his own guilt threatened to overwhelm him. For along minute, the two sat in absolute silence.

The mission was supposed to be an easy in and out. After the hell that had been the last one, the Avengers had done everything in their power to avoid any unexpected surprised.

For the most part, they’d succeeded.

But no one had thought that both bases had been a trap. A specifically designed one to draw Bucky straight into the waiting hands of one of his old handlers and the leather bound journal they still possessed.

Shuri may have gotten most of the words out. But it turned out there were a few that still remained.

He hadn't stood a chance.

Bucky’s shoulders practically bowed under the weight of his guilt. As long as he lived, he would never forget what he’d done to you. Your desperate pleas before he buried the knife in your gut. The pain on your face even as you told him he was your angel.

Bucky shook his head and tears slid down his cheeks. He was no angel.

He never had been.

He’d sold his soul long ago and he didn’t deserve you in his life.

Bucky squeezed his eyes shut and tried to get the words past his lips. Tried to tell Steve that he needed to leave and that you and Steve shouldn’t go looking for him. But he just . . . couldn’t.

He couldn’t let go of this small sliver of happiness he’d been blessed with despite everything.

A loud pop sounded. Bucky’s head shot up just in time to see you sway and crash to your knees. “Doll?!” He shouted, pushing to his feet and rushing towards you.

Steve got there first and picked you up in his arms as Bucky stumbled to a stop and swallowed hard. Last time he’d been near you, he’d tried to kill you. He took a very deliberate step back.

“Hiya.” You murmured weakly as your head nuzzled into the crook of Steve’s neck.

“What are you doing here, sweetheart?” Steve chastised gently.

You chuckled weakly as your eyes fluttered shut. “You two weren’t there when I woke up.” You murmured. “I wanted to be with you and Bucky.” You were careful to add Bucky’s name in there and forced your tired eyes to open and focus on him. You had to show him that it wasn’t his fault.

Steve noticed. He glanced up at his friend who was shaking his head as he backed away. Steve kept you held tightly in his arms as he stepped towards Bucky.

Bucky shook his head and backed up quickly, pressing his back hard against the wall behind him. “No.” He choked out.

Steve froze mid-step and glanced at Bucky, his own heart breaking. “Buck . . .” He cried.

Bucky shook his head. “I’m . . . I . . . I’ll hurt her again.”

You forced your eyes open and shook you head adamantly. You pushed weakly out of Steve’s arms. Steve put you on your feet gently and kissed the top of your head before you shakily walked to Bucky’s side.

Bucky leaned his head back against the wall as you approached. He squeezed his eyes shut, his fingers splayed against the wall as though he was physically stopping himself from reaching for you.

You sighed and made sure to make noise as you stepped towards him. He was in a bad place. You knew this. You didn’t want to push him, but you needed him to know that you didn’t blame him. You didn’t.

You couldn’t.

You reached out slowly and grabbed Bucky’s flesh hand in yours. You tugged it gently, giving him time to pull away if he really wanted to. When he didn’t, you let out the breath you’d been holding and pulled his palm towards you. You lifted the hem of the scrub top you’d stolen when you’d snuck out of medbay and pulled his fingers against the smooth skin where your organs had tried to make an escape only hours earlier.

“I’m okay.” You murmured. “I’m OKAY.” You repeated.

There was a hole in your heart that said that you were lying but you brushed it aside ruthlessly. Bucky was here and needed you now. You . . . you would take care of the rest by yourself.

Bucky’s breaths were coming in choppy and pained but he twisted his hand out of your grip and then began stroking your exposed stomach with desperate fingers. Tears fell freely from his eyes and he didn’t make any effort to brush them aside.

Steve came up behind you, pressing his chest against your back. You could feel his own heart beating painfully in his chest as he reached his own hand around and brushed the unblemished skin too. His leaned his forehead against the back of your head and wrapped an arm just under your breasts as he squeezed you to him.

“You woke up.” You told Bucky. “You woke up and you saved me and Stevie . . .” You twisted your head to look at him. You could see the tears threatening to fall behind his own eyes despite the brave face he was so desperately trying to put on for the both of you. “Stevie . . . you got us out in time.”

Steve’s arm tightened around you and Bucky let out a rumbling sob before he took a step towards you and wrapped his arms around Steve, pulling both of you against him. You were squeezed tightly in between the two as they cried out their guilt, fear and pain and you murmured soothingly to them as you stroked Bucky’s back.

As their tears dried you could feel your own start as you thought to the thing that they could never know. The way in which you could never be fixed. “Please don’t leave me.” You whispered, burying your face in Bucky’s chest.

Bucky pulled away just enough that he could slip a hand under your chin and tilt your head up. For a long minute he stared into your eyes looking for something. Whatever it was, he must have found it. He leaned close and pressed a trembling kiss to your lips. “As long as you want me. Whatever you need.”

You sobbed harder and threw your arms around him, squeezing him with what strength you still had.

Steve sensed the shift in you and pulled away too, leaving your back exposed and chilled.

He leaned down and pressed a kiss to your lips as you turned your head to look at him. “Stay here, doll. Rest. I’ll go tell the team that you’re okay and make sure Helen knows you weren’t kidnapped out of medbay.”

You tried to smile but you couldn’t quite pull it off in your grief. Steve seemed to understand as he kissed you again and left the apartment.

Bucky swept you up in his arms and carried you to his room. He laid you on the bed and moved to pull a chair up beside the bed but you shook your head and shot a hand out, gripping his arm. “Lay with me?” You pleaded.

Bucky hesitated. “Please, Buck. I . . . I need you.” Fresh tears fell down your face and Bucky swallowed hard. He nodded his head and slid into bed in front of you. He pulled you to his chest and tucked your head under his chin.

“Go to sleep, doll. I’m here.”

Your eyes fluttered shut. “Just promise you’ll still be here when I wake up.” You murmured, terrified that he wouldn’t be.

Bucky was silent for a long time. You’d almost fallen asleep by the time the war within him ended. “I . . . promise.” He whispered.

You hummed and cuddled closer to him, slipping into a restless sleep.

You dreamed of tiny cries you couldn’t reach and lives you couldn’t save.

Natasha’s hair was pulled back and dark sunglasses obscured her eyes as she glanced around.

Your eyes were focused on the tiny patch of grass lying in front of you. It had been nearly a week since Bucky had nearly ended your life. Helen had worked her magic and physically, it was almost like you’d never been stabbed in the first place. Almost.

Emotionally, you weren’t sure you’d ever be the same. But you and Bucky were taking it one day at a time. That’s what brought you here today.

“Are you ever going to tell them?” Natasha asked softly as you knelt on the grass and reached out a hand to trace the simple letters engraved in the stone in front of you.

‘Baby Rogers-Barnes. Child of mine, though never to meet; gone far too soon, your memory I keep.’

You shook your head slowly. “They can’t ever know, Nattie. Bucky . . . it would destroy him. And Steve? Steve wouldn’t be able to keep this secret.” You said softly, lying down the bouquet of Irises you’d brought with you.

Natasha watched you closely. “This isn’t a burden you should bear alone.” She murmured.

You pushed to your feet and wrapped an arm around her waist as you laid your head on her shoulder. “I’m not.” You reminded her, squeezing her waist softly. She let out a shaky breath as her thoughts drifted to her own scar that now matched the one you would carry with you for the rest of your life. Her arm wrapped around your waist and the two of you stood overlooking the small grave for a long time before you slowly made your way back to the tower and to the two men who were waiting for you.

You could never blame Bucky for what had happened in that HYDRA base.

But the hurt it had caused you, you would carry for the rest of your life.

There were something’s that nobody could fix. No matter how desperately you wished you could.

**Author's Note:**

> I've been working on this on and off for awhile now. It wasn't something I'd necessarily planned beforehand - just something that I saw the story working it's way towards all along.
> 
> It's something that reader is going to be dealing with behind the scenes for a long time moving forward. How could it not be? That's not something you bounce back from.
> 
> I'm wondering though if Steve and Bucky should find out eventually. I'm torn on that one. What do you guys think? Let me know in the comments!


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